Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
