i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
