the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
