The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
