Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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