i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
