I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
