note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
