i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
