Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
