When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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