this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
