i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He shit in the fireplace
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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