hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
