Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
My pussy is not your playground.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
