Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
