I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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