the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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