theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
