isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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