K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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