Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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