Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
