I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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