There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
