If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
