Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
