A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
