her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
