I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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