considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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