2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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