Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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