He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize