you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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