just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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