My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
