I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
