why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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