I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
