She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
