Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
