I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
