why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
My vagina just clenched in fear
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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