we have pet lesbian snakes
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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