I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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