found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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