Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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