maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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