Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize