I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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