I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize