You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
