...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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