Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
