First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
