Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
