my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
You are the jesus of drinking
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
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