you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
