Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
