She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
